Lost and Found, Context for the Hard Things

Things you’ll find in this post.

Greetings bird friends! Ever been chugging along in something so hard for so long that you actually forget how hard it actually is? Me too. Today is all about losing context, ie, when you can’t remember what it was like before things were difficult so you think it’s just normal (and that you should be able to continue to do all things like a “normal” person, or like the old you, pre weathering.) 

This post has been taking shape for a while now.  I had to dig out a bunch of stuff from my own treasure chest of difficult material that was hard to remember, so I had to take breaks in between. But worry not. In typical fashion we’ll explore the dark, but find spots of light and laughter as we go. Today’s line up includes drawings of pistachio shells, disco balls and food related parodies, tales of digestion woes and the Garlic Death Star. By the end you might just realize that you’ve lost context for the hard things you’re going through as well.  You might be inspired to eat some good food, give yourself some extra compassion, or shake your ever-loving booty. 

A little disclaimer before we get into it. We all have our own version of “difficult”, and it does nobody good to rank our problems compared to others, ie  “You’ve been through so much more than me, I shouldn’t be complaining.” I’ve experienced this a lot as a cancer “thriver” (someone living with cancer long term.)  For some reason “the big C” makes other people in the conversation feel like what they’re going through can’t compare. No need for that here, my friends. It’s not a competition, and hard is hard! We’re clever birds. Here, we’re all about finding our own creative ways to get through all the parts of life. We can’t do that if we’re constantly telling ourselves that we don’t deserve to feel what we’re feeling because we perceive someone else has it worse.  

My particular version of challenge has been living with cancer for 15 years and counting. That might sound intense to some, but to me, it’s just how life has been for a long while. Here’s a timeline in a nutshell of my experience:

I’ve been on oral chemo for a decade so far, and I had been struggling with low energy and digestive issues and an exponentially growing set of food intolerances for years, notably garlic, one of my favorite foods to cook with [CUE IMPERIAL MARCH}. I tried eliminating foods, trying all manner of diets for people with digestive issues, taking supplements, seeing a slew of doctors and naturopaths, you name it, but still couldn’t figure out how to calm my belly or feel energized. In the back of my mind, I think I believed if only I’d try hard enough, I could fix the problem and be able to digest my food, be healthy, get back up to a healthy weight and feel strong and energized again. 

Food has always been one of my greatest joys in life. Growing food, cooking food, and even blogging about food (you can find my dear old food blog Spoon With Me here). I love eating and sharing food with others. If you’re in my life, you probably know that one of my love languages is food. Throughout the last 10 years of being on chemo, as eating became more and more of a struggle, I had to push it away and make it feel less important in my life. I stopped food blogging, and accepted the dwindling number of things I could eat. I turned off the part of my brain that told me food was a big contributor to my quality of life, and I switched into “do what you can to survive” mode. 

By now, you might be imagining the flashing neon sign that says “HELL-O-O! CHEMO! Duh, it’s the chemo!”. Well, sometimes things are more obvious to those not living in our own bodies. I have been experiencing life on chemo for so long, I kind of forgot what it felt like to live in a body not affected by chemo, and I lost context for how hard it was. When you’re just doing what you have to do every day, you may forget that what you’re doing is actually just difficult. All along I thought it was a matter of trying harder or doing more. It turns out, much of it was out of my control.

Fast forward to now. On the suggestion of my doctor, I’ve been taking a break from my chemo meds for a few months now, and within a couple weeks after pausing the drug, I was able to eat freely and have found myself immensely enjoying food again. I hadn’t been able to tolerate raw vegetables for years. Salads and crunchy vegetables were on the *DANGER WILL ROBINSON* list for so long, that now that I can eat them I find myself unapologetically stuffing them into my face like a maniacal hamster. It almost feels like a cosmic other-worldly experience. 

It’s amazing how much being able to feed yourself matters. The color has come back into my face, and my body is starting to fill in. I’ve been enjoying the heck out of shaking my curvier booty in some amazingly joyful and rigorous online dance classes, indoor rock climbing and riding my bike.  My body has started holding onto more weight and when I look in the mirror, I think, “Oh yeah, I remember you!”, and simultaneously, “Wow Jenny, none of this was your fault, it was the chemo all along. You’ve dealt with way more than you gave yourself credit for. You rock for getting us through all this for all these years!”.  

Soon I’ll probably have to go back on some meds to keep the long-term roommate in my body calm, cool and collected. I’m hoping that this next drug will be easier to tolerate and will allow me to eat and have more energy. I’m grateful for this glimpse into what it feels like to be chemo-free, to inhabit my body joyfully again, and to feel strong. It’s a relief to feel the resilience of this mighty little body and know that it has the capability to bounce back after going through so much. I don’t know exactly what’s on the horizon, but I’m powering up for whatever comes next, and hope to bring some of this newly found sass to the next chapter of cancer thriving.  

How about you? Is there something you’ve been struggling for so long now that it’s become the norm? Have you lost context for how hard it is? Do you still hold yourself to unrealistic beyond-human standards? Whatever your particular situation, here’s a little message to all of us. Let’s be kinder to ourselves now, acknowledge the burdens we’re carrying, give ourselves some compassion when it feels hard (because it is!), and offer ourselves a whole lot of kudos along the way for carrying ourselves through our one-of-a-kind lives. And even if we’re going to be in it for a while, may we find creative ways to shape-shift and make things work the best we can, add some satisfying humor to our struggles, and have a healthy dose of booty shaking or whatever else helps to get us through our days with more joy.

P.S: Congratulations! You’ve scrolled to the end of this post. That’s like staying until the end of the movie credits. I like being nosy in other peoples’ sketchbooks, so here’s a glimpse of the scribblings and musings that led to this post (and a few extras that didn’t make it in plus a random to-do list!).